Well this week has seen me discover another agreement that has permeated my life and affected me for most of my life, an agreement that is glaringly obvious now that I have identified it, but that I simply had not seen even during the times of healing that Papa has brought to me in the past years.
For me this just exemplifies the layers of healing that is required like peeling back an onion, once more.
Okay to the story behind this, for some time I have been struggling with my faith and with prayer and devotions. My lifetook a knock a few years ago and I retreated into my safe and protected place, which has been my default defence mechanism for as long as I can remember.
But Papa is patient and persistent and the past months I have felt Him nudging at me and calling me to return to His presence. If I am honest I had a trust issue with Him, I had followed where He led me before and the result had been a very scary and difficult issue in my life and I was blaming Him at least in part. The truth is farmore complicated than this very simplistic description but that was where I was and Papa was calling to me, to come out and speak with Him.
Well I finally did venture into His presence again and as usual He was gracious and loving and I took up the discipline of devotions and tried to pray again.
During one of these prayer times this week I had the following experience and it has opened this whole new sense of healing:
For some time now I have felt Sarayu nudging me to revisit the Lost Boys and look deeper into their stories which of course is my story.
Today as I awoke and I prayed, I saw gathered the demons that are tormenting the life of my dear friend, Chaos and Fear and a cohort of lesser demons. I chose to join the battle and together with Pete32, Pete18 and Pete7 and some of my friends defensive parts, we advanced and defeated the demons. It seemed straight forward and natural.
At one point in the fight I was close to Pete32 and I looked him in the eyes and said, when this is done we need to talk some more and he nodded.
After it was done and we were sat around I raised it again, saying I need to revisit our story again and understand more of how you feel about it.
We slipped away and I asked him, ‘Can we go back there to that hospital room that moment when we knew Sean was going to die, what were you feeling? Yes I remember the dread and the knot in our gut, but what is the answer to that question If I let Him in here …. what?’
‘What are you feeling Pete?’
There was a pause and then a strangled word – failure!
And there it was like a beacon in the night. That is it. The one thing I had missed again and again.
In all my life events that gave birth to the lost boys this was the agreement I had made and was living under –
I am a failure!
And just as John E says, it is a lie! It is from the enemy and it is his doorway into my life.
I reject it, I break the agreement that I am a failure, I am a beloved son of God, I am resolute even in defeat, I am stronger because I failed, but I am NOT a failure, I am His work in progress, it is not yet over, it is not finished and I am not finished.
I then revisited each of the ‘boys’ and repeated the rejection of that agreement and spoke the words of affirmation over them too.
Finally I turned to the newest Lost Part of my heart, Pete56.
He sat quietly awaiting me and smiled as I approached holding something in his hand. I said to him ‘And you are not a failure either.’
‘Really?’ He asked, ‘then what do you make of the disaster I created? It was a recipe for failure. I either failed to help ‘her’ or I failed as husband to Sue’.
I said, ‘I did not say you had not failed, I said You are NOT a failure! You are not the end of that story, it is not over yet, life continues and Papa is still at work.’
‘You are His beloved son, you are Faramir, Prince of Ithilien! It is not over until He says so! You are needed.’
‘Now let go of that’, and I pointed to his hand.
He looked down at his clenched fist and smiled then slowly opened it and let a bright piece of metal slip through his fingers. It landed on the floor and shattered.
And for the first time in a long time I felt lighter. Almost weightless.
And now in obedience to Sarayu’s prompting I am sharing this here, I am not even sure anyone is still following this blog, but I am following promptings again now and so here it is.